Last Italy

Blueberry (keep in mind that the woman in the background is not pale. She was the tannest person I ever saw before him)



Vittoria photographed by chico



F in pool with Vittoria and El


Eloisa on the boat back from the beach



Thomas pretending to take picture of Eloise and me but really it is a photo of the Russians...


I thought I would be a better blogger with Eloise here because there are amusing things that happen with her around. But we have had nary a moment.
Fs first date was so romantic I actually started to panic...(where are they!?) He literally washed himself top to bottom for a half an hour and after all day in the sea he wasn't that dirty. His face was red from soccer and then his body was white from all the cream he put on and he was worried about how to switch it..to get his face more white and his body less.
Anyway he put on what he felt was his best outfit and we went out. Sun is sinking- bellinis have started..he is on a bridge that connects part of the hotel. Vittoria comes up..he sees her. We see him seeing her. He leans over the rail and says HI!!! and they actually run toward each other. El and I are transfixed. Neither of us can remember such a romantic moment in our combined love lives. They disappear, and I begin to think..what have we done?? are they kissing??! so i go to look and they are on the stairs looking at her little white nintendo..too chic, no pink for her. She eats with her family, and F with us, and afterward they sit primly watching the game- her with white purse in her lap..quiet talking..little laughing until her mother comes at half time to take cinderella away.
While I was watching..I may have been talking but very quietly I swear...a Dutchman..yells at me like I have spilled something on his head, then rubbed it in...This is a soccer game!!!! I felt like saying..very good! this is a chair! what else do you know? He is now officially called Nemy as in nemesis. He wears the new, ridiculous polo shirts with the Huge horse and rider on it..laughable. I tell El and Thomas: perfect..a huge horses ass.
The french mother killed us by having coffee with 2 blond friends. El and i were crushed. We wanted to be her blond friends! They were having a good old time..cigarettes and espresso and fast Italian.
The look by the pool is still what I would call the salamander: zero body fat, black skin, no boobs, no clothes. some are french and some are Italian but there are virtually indistinguishable..I suppose that is what they say about us.

We have taken the Brilliant step of enlisting chico as paparazzo. we give him the camera and tell him to take pictures of certain people. It was all fine until I said if he could get a close up of Blueberry I would give him a chocolate ice cream. In part horror show, part absolute comedy he goes over in exaggerated tip toe, drops to his knees like a marine crawling on his elbows then appears to our chagrin at blueberry's head. We are laughing so hard we cannot think about how to control the situation and Thomas is irritated that we have done this and poor tan man is going to get mad. But he got a pretty good shot that I have hopefully downloaded. It appears he is american, topless wife is Italian and they spend 2 months here at this hotel. At night he literally disappears he is so tan. cheshire cat like

The picture of Vittoria was taken by Chico. so it shows her little delight at being photographed by him..woman in gray is Madame the mother.

We had dinner with Dorothea's (Italian) father in law and of course he fell for El and gave her his card and said: Any cugina of Dorothea's sister in law is my cugina too! So any time you are in capri you call! I told him she was single and any ol russian would do. I also warned him she had a lot of friends so he should be careful with the invitations. He said: I donna care! 30 people I can feed!

She has fallen slightly for the concierge who is the brother of our babysitter and looks like Clark Kent. Very polite and i think on to our schemes as we waited patiently for him to get off the phone so we could ask for an envelope. The other
Concierges were wondering why we didn't think they were up to the job.

We all went to the airport together and El had to rush off to her slightly earlier flight. It was like having a rock star around then losing her. The Wehlens actually said..well maybe if we hurry we can check in and then get to her gate to say goodbye again. Hurry! so sweet.

Greetings from the Cala di Volpe where I am in the pleasant company of Eloise, and scattered Euros awaiting dinner. Here is Eloise with a few words:
Traveling with Ellie and Thomas is as you can imagine: perfect. Not a worry in the world, always a little action, perfect food, sun, drama and romance. I will let Ellie explain to you all about Fredericks future wife, the handsome sailors who they are trying to send me off with, and adventures we have had as we look at the Smerldera Coast, sipping our proseco.

Where to start. El has caused a bit of a stir here with the wait staff. She has some competition for queen around the pool. Actually only one: A French model with 2 kids who speaks Italian and English. She is your worst nightmare...we have not seen her put one calorie in her mouth and we have been watching. She smokes and drinks Bellinis and wears gray..our side is of course larger and blonder and in various tropical colors with better teeth. The thing that has brought us together is that F and the daughter, Vittoria have struck up a tiny friendship...they play together at the kids' zone and she kills us by somehow liking him...She is very sophisticated, wears no bathing suit top and asks him: where you a- go? when he leaves the pool.
Eloise and I witnessed this episode: F was finally allowed to stay up for dinner and he saw her at the dessert table and sidled up to her and said provakatively: water balloon fight? (they have these at the zone) and then went over to the cake table and said: cake fight? somehow it was funny..she smiled with delight at his back as he walked away, and we witnessed the whole thing. The mother is ravishing and wears her hair in a low chignon at night, and down in the day in her black bikini. She does not talk to us, but we of course act like Texans : our children are friends!!! lets be friends!!!
She does not, yet, appear to want to be friends.
Ok food: Lunch is a scene ..the "women who are being supported by older men category". Unbelievable. the disparity between bodies is shocking. Hers: tiny, topless in sheer top at lunch. topless in sheer top at lunch you heard me. they get good tables. believe me and tan tan tan. Rosé wine at lunch as well....His: tan tan tan old old old. Happy happy happy. But El and I cannot figure it out The bathrobes are not that fluffy at this hotel. How could it be worth it?
Eloise would like me to add the following. His: large nose, round faced, large stomach..inching towards 80.

I think the women in this group have a support group that meets at 10 by the pool.

Cocktail hour (right now) El says it is best time of day. true. Light is beautiful. The French goddess looks good. One orders a bellini..and this is what happens. Little Italian elves come with olives (whatever) tuna with mayo (can't explain ...it is reeellly good) guacamole, and mini pizzas...and chips. It is heaven. It is all that you ever needed.

Dinner: armies of waiters in black and everyone decked out to high heaven and a buffett line for the anti pasti.....Eloise and I have gone every night and every night have forgotten that people go from right to left down the enormous table..as we swim like giant salmon up stream.."scusi scusi", then finally, the light goes on OOOHHH! we are going the wrong way!! hah hah. It is fun to be American and expected to be loud and gay. And we are very loud and gay. Everything is very funny after all that tuna.

We took Eloise to show her the boats..that is the center of the scene here. Best way to show off is to buy a big boat and best of that is to buy a big racing boat and fill it to the brim with very hunky Aussies and New Zealanders in shirts with the name of your boat. We were struck dumb: by the men and the boat. They were, having likely crossed the atlantic in this thing without much comfort (need minimal weight), highly intrigued by Eloise and when she approached their Heineken hospitality tent they circled..bar here, meeting there, must come lots of white teeth and tan feet.

Eloise writing to you now: Fredericks skills as a highly skilled romancing machine are very clear at the shy age of seven...Ellie is modest....the young and beautiful Vittoria is practically chasing frederick around the Cala di Volpe, Vittoria, Frederick, and I spent part of the afternnon in the pool together... F immediately had V laughing in hysterics and then quickly decided he had had enough and was out of the pool in a flash leaving V wanting more. Fast forward to drinks by the harbor (the best time of the day) and there was the beautiful V asking again for F (he had clearly made an impression.) Ellie blew her poor sons cover telling the cool Italian V with a 10pm bedtime that unfortunately her son was in his blue pajamas but would be walking to grandparents house across the way ... V, in a move that shocked us all, took sister and babysitter to grandparents room waiting outside. F arrived. Did not stop. Waved like a pro. and sauntered inside. Such a lady killer.

Ellie again:
Have decided to outline the cast:
Wildly tan older perhaps celebrity of some kind, Italian with younger paramour with no top and horrible voice Eloise calls him the blueberry because at night his tan turns purple

Hat-shit crazy german: woman who.god how to explain??!! she wears different versions of the same thing..something you would wear to a wedding with huge flowered hat

Tomorrow we will send pictures of those two...sorry about the typos..must rush to dinner early and the soccer game. F has an actual date with V tonight..rubbed shower gel and cream all over (told me he "concentrated on areas people would see..so he did not wash his shoulders") he has finally totally realized what is happening and is awaiting me to put gel in his hair.

More Italy

An alert blogger has asked why,given how much Thomas and I love Portugal, we could jump on the band wagon and root, whole hog, for Germany. Here's the thing: First, I cannot emphasize how this first quarter goal would have warmed the heart of any soccer crazed rabbi. One guy came around the outside while somehow using telepathy to tell some other guy in the middle to put on a turbo charger and he ran as fast as any person i have ever seen. I am not exaggerating, I have never seen a person run so fast..but it also was perfectly timed..because the guy on the outside KICKED the ball way ahead of him..all timed so the turbo charged guy would reach it at exactly the right time and kick it in. I'm telling you...every one who saw it was struck dumb. Before they started screaming. Second, if I could be a portuguese, dont you think I would? they are small boned and tan and quiet and they rise to greet each of their friends when they come to the table and kiss them. The entire group. Meanwhile, my people (and I say that because I have relatives with names like Augusta Schroeder and a kid with a german passport) are loud, blond, CRACK themselves up... and don't get up when their friends come unless their friend's big blond head is blocking the television. One cannot at serious times like the European championship pose as anything other than what one is. If I offered my rooting services to the Portuguese, it would be a little like the log cabin republicans...no one would be rude to my face, but the establishment would be hoping quietly that I go away. So. Onward Deutschland. Incredible game last night: watch out for the Turks!!! They had 30 seconds to score a goal, they did, then won on penalty kicks. Also they were losing last week 2 to zero, and came back and won.
Sunday night is Italy Spain. The waiters will be distracted I think...stay tuned.

It is Saturday and the pool is getting more interesting: more boob jobs with new boobs covered in sparkly tops. Group of very stout Russians whom we will refer to simply as bachelors A-Q for Eloise's perusal. Her arrival is imminent.
F is playing in the kids' fox zone, a new development here at the hotel..babysitters with soccer field and water balloon fights. He is in heaven. I can hear his voice across the pool. Right now though the only other kid in there is an Italian girl his age who says she speaks a leeetle English.
Eloise is here! resplendent in orange and everyone staring at her. Unfortunately the Russians were only here for lunch and left back into the sunset. Sad, the pool has never been more fun -they were yelling at each other across the pool then jumping in en masse to race each other..everyone in..grandfather who is seriously over weight, hot 40 year old father..children, nannies. You cannot imagine the commotion in a pool that has seen nary a customer for these past days. In background a group of all men was toasting shots of something clear. EL missed her future with that group.

I introduced El to the waiter: this is my cousin. And what a cousin she is!!! he said. And then he said a typical Italian thing...Complimenti! Like: kudos for the hot cousin!!! I thanked him..whatever.
Off to pizza evening...return tomorrow.

Il Blogo Italiano

Ciao Tutti!
greeting from the lovely island of Sardinia..wind swept, rocky, turquoise water stretching out as far as my eye can see. Thomas tells me it is the best part of the mediterrenean in terms of cleanliness and color. they call it the Costa Smeralda.
Not bad. I have not been here since F was three months old, and have never been here this early in the season as they say. Claus and Eva have been coming since 1981, but stopped for a time because it was all becoming too much and they suspected the front desk, after taking their reservations, howled with laughter and slapped each other on the backs that another imbecile had agreed to be stuffed into such a tiny room for such a large price. But the head guy, Signore Cantatore called them and nagged them and here we are. Things look good..we are in a beautiful room with turquoise tiled floors and even a small garden of our own. It is small...kind of ship like actually, but so unusual and pretty no one cares. then of course there is the scene outside. Last few times I came it was absurd: Russian and Italian mobsters with absolutely perfect looking women in tiny amounts of clothing, and soccer players or Alberto Tomba. it was the single most grotesque display of posing I have ever seen. I don`t know if it is because it is only June, or if things have changed, but I saw something I had until now never seen at this pool: cellulite. Actual women with actual children and people of various ages and skin colors. In fact the tans have even gotten funnier. Some of the middle aged people are so tan I actually had to turn and put my hand over my mouth to suppress the laughter. Think George Hamilton, but tanner. Then think of him after being lost in the pacific on a tiny Essex whale ship for months. They look like someone dipped them by their ankles. The lips somehow look white...it is hysterical.
Don't get me wrong: there are plenty of nubile Russian girls...with their families and they are breathtaking. No makeup and bone thin and perfect.
Last night was heaven: Germany playing Portugal. We rushed through dinner and assembled in a room with giant TV and nervous Germans and civilized Portuguese. Claus likes to know what happens, but an entire game he can't really handle. So we go in with F...where upon the Germans score a goal so amazing, so beautiful I am an instant if temporary fan. F who has visited the dessert table (something out of a dream: one after the other of incredible things) gets so excited he puts the cream puff in his eye, then runs, cream on his face into the dining room past the hordes (there really are hordes) of waiters in black tie to his grandparents to announce Germany is ahead eins zu nul. Well it is now bedlam. No matter what they say, goals in general are so rare in this bloody sport that this means people pay attention..they rush in..eva with her tea, claus with red wine. People, I really cannot explain the camaraderie, the hilarity, the fun, involved with of a group of people watching a game like this. It is all sweetness and light and very funny germans. I kept slapping Claus on the back as he valiantly held onto his wine. and a man behind us..german-made absolutely hilarious color commentary .,,,the only ones who were nervous were the german teenagers there. Germany scored another goal!!! hugs, cheering, promises of children named after each other. Then: portugal comes back. It is now zwei zu eins. Then Germany scores AGAIN then portugal scores AGAIN. (keep in mind this is now almost the maximum number of goals any person under the age of 25 has witnessed in his entire life and it is all in one game) final score: Drei zu zwei. Everyone is tipsy...the Portuguese are refined and nice about it...claus is amazed that a whole world exists like this where strangers yuck it up like this in front of each other...Frederick's tennis teacher who looks realllllly like he has put on a few LBS since we last met is asleep in the middle of all this...but all the other Italians look very nervous...the Germans look good this year people....Do I hear the pitter patter of world domination?
(Thomas has just pointed out that they have already beaten Poland and Austria and France has folded on its own. Thats all I'm gonna say.)
Eloise comes tomorrow! oh Joy! think of the blogs, people! think of the price her hand will fetch on the open market! think of how I can coattail on her tan!!
think on these things....
Arrivederci

hello cruel world

Greetings from land!

JOurney is over, and as always it ends badly with a very early wake up..horrible to get up so early after sleeping so much. I had trouble sleeping because the noise of the ship was so different...they went waaaay slower and at one point it felt like the boat was going backwards....didnt manage to wake up for the docking though.
F was as sad as ever..looked like he was going to cry when we picked him up for the last time from the movie. He said it went even faster than the last trip. true.
At 7 a.m. the commodore comes on intercom to announce arrival..thanks so much blah balh but basically it is get off the ship. By 8 30 you have to be out of the room.
The last night at dinner was sad...I didnt relly say goodbye to anyone because I thought I would see them at b fast which I was too tired to attend.
Someone had an interesting idea about why people especially old people would cruise so much. HEalth care! a free hospital on board..cheaper than an old age home.
The worst part of getting to London though was we ended up in a hotel touted as the greatest thing ever that just about sent me over the edge..no kids can use the pool and no window to the outside...from the most possible air on ship, to no air at all. Plus it smelled like smoke.
F and I bolted and checked into our old hotel in Soho and things started to look up.
Today we fly to Switzerland and perhaps have gotten scammed on tickets thomas bought to the France vs Italy soccer game tomorrow.
But I wanted all bloggers to know we were safe and sound if a bit depressed after 6 days at sea with nothing but sleep and vodka and handsome men serving dinner in white tie and tails.
I know there are more stories from the last day, but we are off to the airport..(.poor thomas flew to vancouver on fathers day...meeting us tomorrow in Switzrland)
Blog will be more like once a week although Eloise is meeting us in Sardinia next week where I will be interviewing Russian oligarchs for her hand in marriage. so there will definitely be a blog from there.
The lesson however from the trip is this: crazy ideas should be considered. six days at sea..with thousands of people, very few of them in good shape, none of them sea worthy, think of how ridiculous that sounds...all the things that could go wrong..crazed criminal elements (do they have jail on board? captain have gun? what do they do with drunk or violent behavior?) people getting sick, people falling off, running out of caviar, ship sinking...the list of possible problems is endless....
Imagine the person who thought of this telling his parents..I have this great idea..take people into the middle of the Atlantic ocean! think of all the advice they would give against it.
So..the next time anyone has a ridiculous idea, I want to hear about it.
more later bloggers!
xo

Day 6 With Pictures

pictures below of many characters. Including the vodka.

I think F might have fallen for a southern family of three daughters. As I think will be a pattern in the future, I picked out a wonderful looking brunette in dark heavy rimmed glasses with a talent for foos ball. (table soccer) She looks smart and loyal, and greets him in the hall with just the right amount of enthusiasm.She is no doormat..but a solid friend. I asked about her...he thought I was talking about the southern blonds. "Mommy, she has two sisters! I can't invite just only her to play paddle tennis. !"
Sisters? what sisters? What is her name anyway?
Cannon.
Cannon? that doesn't sound very New York, She looks New York.
Her sisters names are Gray, and I can't remember.
Now I am clear on the subject...
"Musket" I offer? I kid you not...they are from the South and their names include Cannon, Gray (think civil war uniforms) and son is Walker. The third daughter is either Musket or Mint Julep.
They are damn cute. the youngest one..we'll call her little musket- has super short hair but wears a big wide head band every day. Beyond adorable. So is the mother. She greets me like an old friend. She says y'all and you want to drink with her. But as a future wife...thick glasses looks more reliable. thats all I`m gonna say.

Tonight when I took pictures with the boys I got more gossip on them and their surreal lives. Apparently they have a QM2 soccer team lead by my Turkish nemesis, whose name is Osman. They play all over the world...other ships' teams. It is rumored the Princess cruise team sucks (of course) and they are off the boat by 2, and home by 5. Osman though is so bossy that he is in charge of who gets on the team and has been known to kick people off mid game. Why does this not surprise me?
Oliver (head waiter, new best friend to me and chief flambéé-er) and I were in giggles over this. Why, I wanted to know is HE in charge of soccer too!?!? His name is now of course Bossman.

Thomas is back to red wine only. sigh. Party is over. I had one, a little tiny one on my own. Took a picture, but the magic was gone. No one is saying the obvious: tomorrow is the last day.

I was reading the little GET TO KNOW ME! sheets in the kids zone. My name is-----, I love_____, I hate_____ There was a lot of loving soccer..lots of hating mushrooms. On one I read: I love soccer, sailing, blah....I hate: ? No answer....Just a question mark. Then I read: I live in San Francisco Ca, Name: Frederick. Pretty much says it all.

At the planetarium every day they show us movies that are more or less different angles on the same theme: Every thing we have ever known and loved exists on this small, blue planet rotating around an unremarkable star. It is the same message outside the planetarium as well: We live in a lovely place. And it happens to be mostly blue. So here is how I see it: you have got to check out the blue, people. Got to see the blue.

Last night in my euphoria of thinking that we would have waves on the 10th deck, went to check on the elderly on the main dance floor...second deck. I thought there would at least be a murmur of panic. Since i have acted so badly...cutting them off soft ice cream and racing ahead of them in line, i thought I would provide some comfort: hug them, buy them vodka shots. Someone must have told them that they and their frail little bones could be tossed on the floor on this dark and stormy night. These are people for whom a broken hip means the end; but in the face of this, they are dancing. Why do they come? What are they doing out here? I used to think it had something to do with feeling safe -preplanned activities and all. But being out here is not logical. We cannot swim. not really. Matt Biondi could not get to England without a boat.
Then it occurred to me I just finished a book about the Nantucket whalers on whom the book Moby Dick was based. Some of them were known to remain at sea for 15 out of 20 years of their lives. Around cape horn and to Hawaii and back....for huge profit yes. But it is so extreme, you got to believe they just plain liked it....maybe out here it just feels good. Out here in the deep blue.


Below my peeps. Oliver and Osman and me and Gyorgiy (Hungarian waiter) who told me he wishes he could provide sunshine and birds to follow the ship for me.

Oh no. Just saw my first ship. Land cannot be far.

Feel free to comment on my Nemesis. Then tell me you could argue with this man about the seating.

day 5

Ok the time-line is getting a little confused..what with the emergency blog.
At present I am in bow of ship. It is the morning after the "storm" Here is what I have learned:
Found myself in the elevator with a man in white with stripes. I pounced: How 'bout that storm?
yeah...never really materialized, really. (Englishman-lots of reallys)
It didn't' ?!
No...strange, really.
Oh. that is so disappointing.
Well, probably for the best, actually. Things get really quiet when it is like that.
Quiet?! The stabilizer gets quiet?! (stalling.....?)
The restaurants get quiet ma'am.

Whole lotta nothing. The English hate drama.


Then I ran into turkish nemesis (never before have I seen him away from restaurant) and we chatted...He said that they were talking 25 foot waves and were instructed to take all glassware off tables (after dinner they set for b fast.) that is gale force, people. And I came that close. so sad.

Here is what it looks like..we are very high up, so the waves look messy but never scary because unless it is an 80 footer (which happened with the QE2 a few years ago..tidal wave middle of night..people fell out of bed; captain said it looked like white cliffs of Dover coming at him) they look small. But in any other boat any of us have ever been on, these would be unpleasant. The wind was 30 knots yesterday...I am not sure, but I think gale is 60? Will look it up.
We are 500 miles from land-closest is Azores. 1,000 miles from England.

Behind me is a classic: crumpled heap of English nobility in a wheel chair in dark glasses with very posh English accent. Smoker. "It's Ridiculous!!!! absoluuuutely ridicUlous!!" She is playing word game (English people I am told read the dictionary on the toilet. While we are reading People magazine. ) She is literally boiling over. Something about the clue given for the word Aspect. Come to think about it, it is hard to define.

Speaking of English...too funny these species. Ran into small kid (younger than F) on way to Kids Zone. He was trying to tell us (politely) we were going the wrong way. Of course I have no idea..am following F....F corrects him...and the kid runs after us saying: Oooooh I am such an EEEEDIOT! and proceeds to smash into a wall. Like a cartoon...all four limbs up against the wall..sort of Wiley Coyote like...Being a Town school kid..F does not stop to inquire if he is injured..because this has somehow turned into a race....
But .I ask you what American kid would say that? Americans.. (my offspring included) never admit they are wrong, or even that they didn`t know it all before. You can say any fact and these kids will say: knew that. The Brits however appear to have taken the self effacing class..the one where they must practice: OK kiddies: after me " I am an eediot! A buffoon! I am not worthy of ANNnything!

Crumpled heap is now quoting stats: 17,000 sheets a DAY they launder here. The CREW is 893!! 893!!
Every third word is shouted: It is THE same NUMBER of sheets that THE BRITTANIA used for SAILS!!!!
Queen Mary 2 is quite SIMPLY the longest passenger ship ever built. Longer than the EIFFEL Tower is TALL. She can stretch her length four blocks. It BOGGLES the mind Mary, it Simply boggles the mind!!!!!!


So F and I slept 11 hours last night. Every day we lose an hour, so it is 11:00 am. It screws up entire day. We miss getting tickets to planetarium and are forced to go stand by...there is not a long enough time between b fast and lunch. It is hell. Dinner is black tie and around the corner.
Tonight is the night: I photograph Turk in his natural habitat along with my posse of staff whom i am all in love with. Especially Oliver who makes flambé things next to my seat..thereby giving me warmth and an overview of my future dessert. He will literally flambé anything you ask . I am going to ask him to flambe my napkin.

Crumpled is still at it: There are 17 decks!!! (floors) She and her companion are discussing how this is a trip for the very fit, really. If they had known how physical this would be ..they could not have come. they are happy they came..but it is daunting really.
Bloggers: i cannot emphasize how hilarious this is. How helpless people are. The action around the coffee dispenser comes to mind. The people approach it very carefully. With respect....they usually have a friend along for moral support. She puts the cup down. She stares at the options....decaf, espresso..oh the list is endless. She thinks about giving up. He cheers her on. She closes her eyes and pushes...liquid comes rushing out. Oh the exhilaration!!! Then, quickly, fear: how to turn this off!!??? She panics (they all do) Reaches for the cup before it is done. AHHHH Burned with hot coffee. Husband`s arm around, whisks her off....only to annoy me by trying again tomorrow....
I am not kidding..I have seen this many times. They cannot believe that it will put the exact right amount of coffee in and turn off. They have no faith. It is all I can do not to push them out of the way and do it for them. I ran into a male version of Marcy....asked me where the restaurant was...on the fourth day! You gotta know where that is by now....anyway, I pointed...only to see him somehow get to a little balcony where he could see the entrance..but there was this vast space between him and the door of the restaurant and vast space below him. He was so confused...there it was in front of him..but how to get there?! He actually looked down... as if he were thinking: I don't remember having to Jump before...

This is perfect. They are actually discussing cucumber sandwiches.
Now she is correcting herself: Nooooo nooo!!! I was quoting you the INCORRECT statistic...It was the Mauritania had between 850 and 1000 staff.
Oh I am an EEDIOT!!

Day 4

Ok Here is what happens to the human body when faced with extreme conditions: sleep. I slept through everything. When I woke there were two different notes from Thomas re his going down to first and second b fast. He came and went several times, could not wake chico or me.
When I went to sleep, the wind was howling, really impressive. But apparently the heavy rocking only brought me back to infanthood. Thomas, who has, remember, only eaten a few beans lately, was almost thrown out of bed. He went to the bathroom and nearly fell over.
I am so sorry bloggers! I will make it up to you with other people's stories, which I will get today.




My alert husband has pointed out some things I did not put in the last day. here are some:
Met a guy in the hot tub who will be on this trip with wife and 10 year old son for 25 days. Then home to florida, for three days only, then another cruise for 35 days. All together in one room! yeah. he says the dollar is so bad he fears getting off the ship and prefers to wave from the boat.
Thomas' golf competition (chipping) got heated when people (men) complained that the boat had lurched violently mid swing and they needed another try. A Scot won of course, Thomas got third. That means there are good golfers aboard. He is presently playing in a golf driving contest. I am on tenterhooks.
Thomas is also afraid to order now because he thinks it will become the subject of ridicule in my blog. "The real men don't order that problem".
Kathy harper used to use a favorite expression of Charlie Brighams: short hitter. And if we were dining and someone asked for fettucine alfredo with the sauce on the side, or chicken with cashews without the chicken, .she would announce: short hitter...a I have assured him that this is in fact true. I will ridicule his choices. But with love. In light of this, he went for duck after vegetable broth. I know, i know....but I think it is a fairly macho order in France.
We are so busy. Lots of the day we are separated: F in the kid zone on a scavenger hunt round the boat, Thomas golfing, me writing or in the gym or chatting up people by the soft ice cream dispenser. The two best things are still curling up with a book in the bar at the bow. But it is a bow high up..(11th floor) also good is by the window lower down..say on only the 2nd floor with the rushing, crazy water just outside, or the Planetarium,,or hot tubbing outside in the stern, unfortunately the weather has been too bad for much of that.

Have seen some celebrities...some Asian actor that was in everything in the 70s...cant remember what , and the woman who was head of Hewlett Packard (not Carla Fiorini..she is busy of course) but Patricia Dunn....Tommy is friends with her brother Paul. But no more than that...

We took frederick's picture with the commodore last night...he was rather nice...A woman asked our names like in My Fair Lady and introduced F as Master Frederick wehlen. It was a cocktail reception at 6 30 and we didnt want to be in our best clothes so early...these elderly...they are in a panic..ready in black tie at 5 pm...so I put on pants and thomas had no tie and they told him he could not come in. He is getting a bad reputation around here I think. Picture is below.

Today the wind is strong..but the sea is smaller...we are still rocking a bit and I have not been outside because of the rain.

Ok T is back from the trenches with first place in the driving competition. Apparently it was him (with a 3 wood no less...no driver for him) and a couple of Scots, and someone from Australia. They were grumbling: : But 'es so thin!!! Ow does 'e do it?! we want nothing less than world domination on this cruise. F must come home (for the second year in a row) with the coveted: always happy award or he sleeps in the hall.

That of course is the joy of being on something this slow. The smallest things become important..and they take all energy from other things to worry about..fabulous. It is like an island of ignorance...no news..., so ping pong is elevated. I was thinking about how this thing is so popular...every single room even ones with no windows, is booked months in advance. And it proposed to take you to England in 6 days rather than 8 hours. The only thing that is more popular the slower it is. Next it will be clipper ship.

Have not seen my butler in forever..(butler seems to be latin for man who cleans your room) i think he is hiding from us, because we have a creaky ceiling...but every evening little canapés with pate or caviar or something that Thomas wont eat..or even chocolate covered strawberries is left like a little elf.

F is the absolute unchallenged expert on the ship. He knows where everything is..which is not easy...if you make a mistake and take off in the direction you think is correct, and then are wrong...you do a lot of walking...Commodore club: bow; plantarium, bow; restaurant, stern, gym, I dont know..hard to find just like the bridge where the poor worshiped captain is, they are the only poorly marked places; He also knows which rooms have doorbells, how long it is ( 400 meters..or app. 1200 feet, how wide, how old, how fast, and on sight knows which pictures are of the titanic, and the QE2.

OK am off to work for you people...will find a bloody nose story if it kills me.

Day 3 Emergency Blog

Hello Loyalists!
Had to make an interim blog...a water log as I called it last year. The news is this: we are expected to move from moderate to ROUGH. Rough is defined as 15 foot waves, I have confirmed this with all my wait staff. (Butler is still no where to be found. )
Thomas and I have now decided that we have wasted our lives flirting with wine and now have Vodka before dinner. It stiffens the spine. So we are brave and magnanimous in the face of this news. We are Hillary Clinton in turbulence. After North Carolina.
Presently we are in our little haven above the waves waiting for action. The second floor doors (close to the water have been battened down. (true) Unfortunately all shades must be closed in our top floor bar.. because we are directly below the bridge. HUUUGE Fog horn sounds..complete with Piano player singing: Those were the days my friend....those were the days my friend..we thought they would never end..we would live the life we choose...we thought it would never end. Oh yes those were the days. Oops..the medley has moved into what kind of fool am IIIIII???!! not as good.
Frederick is somewhere at a pizza party. In case of emergency I have dumped Turk for huge Croatian with scary glasses and will don all three black tie dresses to block the breeze. (I have no gortex)
Fare well friends! will report more tomorrow!!

(snooty french waiter is depressed we ordered tea)
XOOXOXO

Thomas here. Ellie is thinking of donning an eyepatch for tonight`s storm and she keeps calling me mate.......

PPS special kudos to Ms Amy Rees Nelson of San francisco, Ca the only blogger to write.
Please write on the blog..so we can all guffaw, as a group, at your thoughts.
xoxooxoo

Day 3

Ok bloggers heaven last night. Thomas took me to the ball...will get to that soon.



First-thomas has done pictures now! Here F and I, just before we leave...100 degrees. Pool bottom is adjustable...here it is before it is lowered. At the bottom of blog are more pics.






Today big news is: rough (ish seas) we are all a flutter...There are, I learned, 10 oh so English-ly described levels of sea conditions:
Glassy calm
rippled calm
smooth wavelets
slight
moderate
rough
very rough
high
very high
and of course the real crowd pleaser: Phenomenal.
Yesterday was slight and today is Moderate (!) I think one starts throwing up around rough. Thomas thinks some of the weaker links are throwing up now. We are so very proud of ourselves..and in a shameless attempt to flaunt our sea legs, are going up to play paddle tennis.
Frederick has taken a real shine to the court up there..he and Thomas played an actual doubles game with some grown ups who quickly realized not to hit it softly to Frederick who goes in his sweat bands (arm and head!) He saw Federer do it and thinks despite the wind chill, they are necessary. They beat our fearless team sadly, but only just.
Ok last night: I decided to order caviar again...I like it, but don't care that much...just like playing with all the toppings. The Wehlen's Russian friends told us that the only real accompaniment to caviar is vodka. So we ordered a few shots..from our charming and patient sommelier who has the bad luck to have us and some Chinese people who don't drink at all in her area. In other areas are huge groups of people who look drunk and a sommelier's dream.
They bring the vodka in the cuuutest little tub of ice...beyond cute. So cute we had two each. Below is a picture of Thomas after the cute vodka. (Veteran Thomas watchers will note the joie de vivre in his expression.)

Ok just back from tennis...no go..closed due to high winds.

We have a commodore this trip-one step above captain, above that is admiral who Thomas says basically doesn't go to sea anymore.
Commodore's announcement told us it might get worse, the weather, and we would be close to the site of the Titanic. The sea is now 2.5 miles deep....the deepest is 6 or 7 miles somewhere near Guam. Tomorrow it will be significantly shallower 200 meters or so.
No whales seen yet.
Nothing on TV nothing is coming in but Fox News. I kid you not.
Ok so last night we go check out the scene...filled with the milk of human kindness after the alcohol..and a very nicely dressed woman comes up and asks if she can sit with us. She is Marcy, 87 years old in a lovely dress of black sheer top and huge white satin skirt (it was a black and white themed ball, and true to form the people were so sheep-like they followed instructions Exactly and wore not either black OR white, but rather both as written.)..she also had a rather jaunty black and white belt and an even jauntier blond wig that is slightly off center, but no matter we are at sea. She has been cruising for years and years. Lives East 30th in NYC where she moved after she left husband. She says cruises used to be tres elegant, but no more. She says New York used to be tres elegant, but again no more. But she is not a drag really, just stating the facts. problem is she can remember nothing. nothing. five minutes after something she can't remember. And she is here alone on this cruise. For one month. As she says, her social life is a big zero at home. So she cruises. T asks her where she is going..i.e. to England, or Finland or wherever. she says she can't remember. She says she will be on a one month, but no more details than that. I am wondering how in the hell she will know when to get off. Together we watch the "hosts" dance with the old ladies. Soooo fun to watch. Then there is this surreal announcement where all the hosts, all over the age of 70, in white dinner jackets line up and as if this is a Chippendale's performance or an auction for man meat, the announcer says: Here is Fred, he lives in Florida, loves tennis, gardening, and of course dancing. His faves are the waltz and the rumba. Marcy says rather loudly: the hosts used to be much better! these are the worst excuses for hosts i have ever seen! I say, what did they used to be like? she says: young and handsome! Of course we wonder..what exactly are these men willing to do in the name of Cunard? They are all single and working it.
Saw marcy today and greeted her..then asked about the rest of the night. She says: I can't remember.

Today will be planetarium, comedians, and Thomas entering a golf chipping contest. F is at scavenger hunt. Tonight we can meet the commodore..I will bring F in his blue blazer and short pants. Thomas says they always plan these things when it is bad weather, so the commodore can get out of meeting the crowd. (in bad weather, they stay on bridge) Big waves now..actually between 4 and 7.5 feet...when one walks one weaves...sober.

Ok go to elegant dinner with handsome. I will try to get a picture of him. In case I am too chicken, you all will have to rely on eye witness martha. Tonight, while we are in black tie, he has white tie and tails; hair parted down the middle like a gangster... Martin Scorcese.film type. During the obligatory chat as we are seated, I want to talk about the weather...he says that until the people mentioned it, he had not noticed. He only notices when it is so bad, they cannot put the glasses etc on the table until the guests are at the seated.

He said this is fun, agreed that no serious person throws up before the next level.

I went to the gym and tried to run on treadmill. Wild...when we go down a wave you have to hold on or you will fall off. Turk said that the ship is so massive, when they were training in the Mediterranean they felt nothing on the the QM2, but once in the rescue boats, it was crazy how violent it was. he said he was an officially licensed captain of rescue boats and I told him to expect us in his boat.

Tomorrow....no black tie..more paddle tennis...long b fast I hope....and spa treatments perhaps.

XOXOOXOX
This is a picture of them repairing our rescue raft before we left.

Day 2

Woke to sunny warm weather here in the middle of nowhere...never seen it like this. The pools are very in with everyone this year, not just the kiddies.
Ok where did we leave off? oh dinner. Our handsome nemesis was confused when we came to dinner....slow, uncomprehending smile.....like who are these people? We introduced ourselves, reminded him he rather hated us last year and it all came flooding back. Now he hovered, flirted, chatted, kept repeating (as does every single person in the restaurant) if there is ANY thing we can do, let us know..But not before telling Thomas to put on a jacket. sigh.
This grill is actually bigger than the last one. The Queens level is the most popular..unlike a plane where each successive class gets smaller..here there is huge Brittania, then small middle, then bigger than that for Queens..though no where near Brittania. The ass kissing is almost tiresome. I liked the Turk better when he was mean. Although to be fair, he told us his wife (the one that used to work on board in the bar from where I am writing to you) is pregnant...in her last month, and he is getting off the ship after 2 months of this back and forth for the birth and a long summer break in Turkey.
So no wonder there is a spring in his step.
He also told us they have taken the menu up a notch and it is amazing..caviar is on the menu, so in honor of Kathy Harper, I ordered. Thomas (too damn funny) announces to me, he will order what he really wants without any feeling he should order something special (all food is included so they could give a crap) He comes up with a salad followed by some bean and cheese something that is so small, it looks like a joke. They have canyon ranch on board..full spa...and on the menu, a spa food selection..with calories fat etc. this was not one of those choices, and yet it was basically something big enough for a 3 year old girl. He was a bit sad, considering he loves nuts and berries, but he eats at least reasonable portions of them. So alas I had to share my pasta.
He has his good qualities though..we were looking over the side, me clinging to F like always, F prattling on and on about safety procedures he had memorized cheerfully, when Thomas turns to me and says: he falls over, I go in after him, you throw a life buoy, while SIMULTANEOUSLY looking at your watch. if you do not know the exact time, the captain will never be able to find us.
That is why I married him.
I have taken a cold hard look at the clientèle here and no matter how many pith helmets and blue blazers and posh accents one hears...under it all beats the heart of an American cruise. Take the eating for example. We don't go to our dining room for lunch..must see the crowds, and they have these open places to eat buffet style with stations of everything. I have pointed out before how un-athletic this crowd is ..some are in those little people scooters like on Seinfeld...or wheel chairs and there is an actual feeling of nervous energy at lunch time. As if this place would ever run out of fried rice..(it won't) but one is never sure. Of course I use my youth and dominance in the areas of, say, walking or arm wrestling, to make them sweat a little. Tea time was the worst...all those little sandwiches so little time. And then the desserts. I simultaneously explained to Frederick that he needed to believe me: his opinions on raisins not withstanding, he had to eat a scone, while ace-ing out a poor English man from the last of the two bread (love that, half white, half wheat) turkey morsels,,kind of like that move in basketball, the one Mom uses at cocktail parties, where the back is to someone and the rear end is kind of pushing them back. It really is kind of bitchy..I mean I could go to the Queens grill and have handsomest eastern types flutter over me..but a girl needs a little diversity, a little strife in the middle of this tranquility. It's like the first dream team in Olympic basketball..couldn't just win gracefully..had to go to the little leagues, win, and win ugly.

My favorites are the people who are on the Zone diet...but with a Cruise Twist. Here is the Twist: mashed potatoes and fried rice and chocolate coconut cake. But it is in two, separate, kosher-like doses. First the dramatically displayed Ribs plus a piece of lettuce or bowl of berries. One must march to one's seat purposefully to the admiration of the crowd as it whispers things like: I knew someone that did that once... what control he has...you know..you can really see the difference in the way he looks in those sweat pants.....
then later a plate of all potatoes and bread to the other side of the restaurant where people stare at what can only be a actual vegetarian in the mist. It's beautiful.

The lightening was amazing yesterday....when it hits the water it actually sizzles.

tonight: black and white ball.....Thomas is discussing going to bed early in the manner of someone taking over a small but hostile island country...plan and re plan and discuss contingency plans....maybe if I can get him to order something reasonable he will rally. I must get to the action!

He is playing paddle tennis with the young master now..then we shall hot tub in the approaching fog and discuss tactics for tomorrows lunch.


Around me people are drinking and someone is complaining about the music, but all in all a happy crowd.

Lecture today was on pirates and I brought Frederick..he liked it, what he could understand..Sir Francis Drake was the last bad ass Englishman...baddest ass pirate of them all apparently...brought in 2.5 million pound to his Queen. ! You could feel the pride among the assembled pith helmets.
Fun fact: in Cartaghena the worst insult you could ever call someone is El Drake. The Spanish reeeeellly did not like getting ripped off by this dude in funny pants. This speaker proffers a theory that pirates were the first terrorists because they were under armed and had to get by on a reputation for fearless, ruthless behavior.

Still have not found a use for my butler... what he does I don't exactly know. He seems to clean the room. But with another person. I am too afraid to ask him to iron, babysit, or fetch coffee....and that would be on my list of butler activities. Now I really won't ask because thomas found out he is a mechanical engineer from somewhere he cant get a job.

More later!
Someone write me emails! I don't get them very often..internet blah at sea blah...but I need feedback out here. Are all details being outlined?
xoxoxoxoxoxo

Day1

New York is hotter than hell..and soooo great. I now have become abnormally attached to room 705 at the Carlyle. All is good there. Love is not the word I have for this town.
We went to the Empire state building..lines were not so bad really. At one point a guard made an announcement that anyone who cared to walk the 6 flights from floor 80 to 86 and then catch the elevator to the top were welcome. The crowd was filled with German tourists and I think he was taken aback when he was effectively overrun by Protestants checking their pulses and making a competitive run for it. Of course my own family was in the lead....what after all could be more fun than that!?
Then natural history museum...planetarium, dinner with Heather and Willem after a visit with the divine Wilhelmina and frederick doing wind sprints on the new york street to pass the time before dinner came. Back and forth 50 times while we timed him...you cannot believe how hot it was for this activity...then romantic walk down hot sticky wonderful park avenue at night checking out how many doormen each had, F climbing the sides of the buildings rubbing all New York soot into his mouth.
Saw cockroaches too...more than one- upper east siders so they looked kinda dashing and well groomed.
then on to the boat where I am writing to you all, faithful bloggers....
I tell ya the second time is so much fun...it takes you back to when you were small and flew so rarely..and you got dressed up and everyone was excited and friendly and smart and not dumb and bored with a doses of terror from the xanaxed crowd. You want to hug everyone...Hellloooow!! you help struggling French tourists who dont speak English...introduce yourself to children.... salute the crew who welcomed us..(well not me, but someone else) ....laugh patiently at bad jokes from the elderly (is this the way to the Queen Elizabeth???!!! HAH HAH HAH)
then on to our room which is huge and the deck is huge and the closet is huge and there is another one for Thomas...and the statue of liberty is there and we have a butler named ...God I forgot already. He came to say hello..give us the drill....blah blah all really good.
the room, to be more specific is smaller than my room at home....but not much. for a ship it is big...
It is a sea of children..many of them in blue blazers..F was too hot to wear his..but he has one at the ready. He is presently playing paddle tennis in the heat with thomas and some kid named Wesley who has taken this 4 times....thomas has taken off his shirt in a really bad white trash move...he just doesn't get the pageantry of the scene. Of course neither do the lounge suiters..but i love them all each and every one.
Safety drill is at 4, we leave around 5 or 6 I think.
Frederick who always likes to peruse the safety sheet on planes in a way I do not...has been watching the progression of the rescue boat below our cabin which seems to be needing repairs. "Below our cabin" is code for OUR rescue boat......
Me, i like to ignore things like that, but he and Thomas love this shit....oh look! they are rebuilding the engine! Then F says..kids wear the same safety numbers as their parents...that is so if the boat crashes..blah blah..all very matter of fact like the most boring thing in the world.
But fear is no where on this boat.....just like last year One feels sort of noble and purposeful. I will write more after a does of champagne and the leave taking

Noly! My butler is named Noly!



Ok leave taking was totally different this year..no band...just a historian (no joke) in the background talking about the sites..which I would have loved loved, but you could not hear him..it was all....mumble mumble statue of liberty mumble mumble not very festive. leaving New York though was as exciting as ever, and going under the Verazzano Naroows bridge incredible..you think you wont make it...all ooohs and ahhs..then the historian said that in fact this ship was built specifically for this bridge and you mellow out.
OK two pieces of big news: the Turkish man is now the head of all restaurants!!! He is here and in our dining room!
and there was thunder and lightening. Too much.
Will reveal all including the dramatic re union with the turk tomorrow.
Stay tuned!!!