Water Water Everywhere (but not a drop to drink)

The gang on the last day. Professor K front left in red. Guides far right. 

Post Swim

We were told to put life jackets on our bums to protect it from rocks as we swam in mini river with mini rapids. 

I feel I must quickly wrap up the Colorado River story before I discuss the Atlantic: the water on which I am presently bobbing.

Let’s see…on the second day in the Grand Canyon we were going through a rapid that was supposed to be tricky for the boatmen but not really anything noticeable for the passengers. I heard a large crunch and then noticed the ominous sound of no engine. The rapids are not terribly scary with an engine and a huge raft- at least not in these levels of water. Read the Emerald Mile if you want a dramatic story about a famous year when the water in the Grand Canyon was ten times what it is now (unprecedented rain fall) and rafts our size, from our company, were torn in half. But now things seems calmer….until you lose the engine. 

Most of the group didn’t notice, but I told Thomas and then we looked at the captain who was throwing tools around as we drifted toward shore. The first boat saw we weren’t coming and came to rescue us. Then they put a new engine in (each boat travels with two) and onward we went. But I sort of wondered about the whole safety thing after that. 

We heard a lot about geology, most of which was over my head. Professor K has spent his entire adult life- starting at Caltech, studying cherts. (He is known as Dr. Chert) Cherts are quartz growths in sedimentary rock; they look sort of like a glass bump when the rock erodes. Professor K questions the conventional wisdom that more complex animals popped into being all at once during the Cambrian explosion 540 million years ago. He has some very old cherts that he found in a cave in South Africa; they are now sitting in his basement in Arizona. He says if he had the money, he could slice them into very thin slices and see if he could find a pair of skinny fossilized legs. This would prove that there were a few beings hanging around before 500 million years ago, and we could all go to Sweden and drink champagne. 

I can’t really even begin to cover the depressing funding conversations I had with these scientists. Each one of them said the same thing: the United State does not fund basic research anymore, and other countries do. We pay the head football coach at Michigan 6 million dollars a year, and I am sure he can’t identify a chert. I guess this is what decline looks like up close. 

But go Chico go! Maybe he will be the first astrophysicist in history to have his research funded by his grandparents. 

I never had to use the little poo bag for a day time “event”, thank god. Paul’s daughter told me that people clap when you come back to the boat and I would rather die of constipation. 

Oh speaking of which, my friend Anne Marie told me that her sister went on a four day excursion like this and one man was so constipated he had to be airlifted out. 

We were very good at one thing: leaping off the boat to pick a camp site. Thomas is rather spry and I am apparently a whiz at picking the right view. The little astrophysicists never had a chance. And the views really were sublime, just indescribably beautiful with the canyon towering above you and the water at your feet. 

I never had the moment that one friend swore I would have, i.e.”having a blast”. I had some nice moments, but was in a near constant state of dread that something would really go awry. 

Food was ok….we had lots of wine, so what the hell. Lunch was always a sandwich bar with “sides” of the most preposterous junk food I have seen since I was a child in the 70s: potato chips, m&ms, terrible packaged cookies, red vines. Thomas held on to his little trail mix for dear life.

The last night was one for the ages. I was sitting with the guy who admitted he had skin head friends in his youth…but this only came out later when I gave a sort of jaunty nazi salute in response to something (Don’t judge! I was killing it on that trip.) Anyway he almost fell out of his chair he was laughing so hard…and then, only then did he drop that bomb. I high tailed it back to my little nerd tribe to hear more about the sex life of cherts (non existent). 

We heard someone say as they got into their tent that night “I am not used to being this happy” lol!! We had had a tough day- really cold rain and wind. But, and this is true: Paul lifted up some sort of oar, and in full Poseidon mode ranted what I believe was Shakespeare into the wind. I am not making this up: he screamed that the rain must stop. And it did. 

But we were already frozen. 

We all took turns after dinner speaking about the trip- it’s a last night ritual..then we gave the staff a big tip and went to bed. But then the thunder and lightening started and continued throughout the night. I didn’t care, because I was going home (HOME!!) but I worried the helicopter wold be affected. My little feet were sticking out of the tent: drip drip, but I didn’t care…because a small plane would come to me the next day. So I lied there (I think lay is incorrect grammar in this?) happily listening to the cacophony of thunder against ancient rocks, waiting for the sun and coffee and a return to civilization. When I woke from a very short sleep, I learned that my darling professor K had skipped erecting a tent (he is low maintenance that one), and fearing a rock fall on his head due to the heavy rains, moved to the camp "kitchen", where he slept under the food table. It just goes to show you the limits to a U of Chicago and Caltech education….I can only imagine the hell he endured. 

Luckily the morning sky cleared enough for us to get in a small helicopter for the short ride to a dirt runway. (It felt like the last moments in Saigon)…They asked our weight, and we just yelled it out, with perhaps a few qualifiers about how we were presently in the Wehlen family foul sailing weather gear- heavy gear we had finally pulled on because we were tired of being wet and we had lost all sense of vanity or pride. Then we were flown to this weird ranch where where everyone was to get on planes that would fly them back toto Vegas or to the starting point. When Thomas told the “air traffic controller” - a rather dim man with a walkie talkie- that we would be flying out in our own little plane direct to Oakland, he said that was not possible. Thomas kept assuring him it was under control and to please duck because there it was in the sky. I am paraphrasing…but this is no time for boring details about us arguing about the difference between Oakland and Auckland with this simpleton. (which we basically did) 

So the sky is darkening, and I am slightly freaking out, and then this little plane lands and the stairs drop down and I see not one but two blond women pilots who greet us like old pals. Then they basically say we are skipping the formalities including the security briefing. They tell me where the vodka and snacks are, and the we take the hell off. The plane is so cool…it can land in these little places- not a jet obviously because that would require a long runway. It takes off almost like a helicopter. I was in love (apparently Stephen M owns one and takes it to Tahoe) 

Then I sit back and toast myself with the tiny vodka i had been using to clean my face in the Colorado River (long story ask my facialist). In less than two hours are are at Oakland in the car…calling all of you.

yay

I wound’t do it again- it is so hard on the body: my skin and hair are ruined and it was seven nights of very bad sleep. I almost collapsed in bed at noon when I got back. I mean it… we were just so tired.

The only thing I do know is most of the misery was of my own making. The actual experience is not exactly comfy, but the hell was, as it always is, created in my own head. Also we had lots of wonderful residual effects Thomas and I. I mean it: nothing bothers you anymore in the days after sleeping in a rainy tent. because you realize that your bed and fridge and fresh avocados are really all a person needs to be happy. 

Give money to science people! Elect smart people! Cherts matter. Rocks matter. Stars matter. 

Tomorrow Queen Mary updates only I promise. xx