Behind the Scenes

Today and yesterday have been the best I have ever had on this ship. At present it is incredibly warm with calm seas; and I, along with other global warming enthusiasts, are lounging around on deck chairs watching-I kid you not-dolphins and whales frolic about us. It is surreal.

But first I must tell you about the tour of the ship. Thomas signed us up for a special behind the scenes tour (I wanted to bong the children, but am glad I didn’t)…We are followed by two security guards and told not to touch any red buttons. Right off the bat, it is bloody great stuff. After winding through pale green panted hallways (painted to promote calm feelings) with concrete floors and up steep metal staircases, we are met by the Polish deputy captain. We are in the far bow, in a huge hold where the lines are kept (the ones that tie up the ship). Needless to say they are enormous. But more impressive is how loud the sea sounds up here: boom boom. He is adorable. He tells us that the ship looks pointed at the front, but under water it is blunt…like whales are..and when we started copying whales, ships got better. Then we go to look at the anchor. He says that when it is let down, it is really loud and dirty. Best of all, we can peer down into the water far, far below through the hole. During rough seas the water can come crashing up (many floors) into the ship and it is so loud-like a gun-that it “can be quite frightening” I fall immediately in love…an almost-captain who gets scared by loud sea noises.

On and on it goes for three and one half hours. We see where the crew lives and eats and their bar. (officers have another bar so the crew does not have to drink in front of the bosses).

We meet the doctor in the hospital. He shows us the “morgue” a closet really, but with refrigeration. Says no in-patients this trip; usually it is heart attacks, and no surgery. They only would do that in dire emergency.

We meet the rather beautiful Spanish trash woman with a rather high position, and see how everything is recycled. A person goes through the trash, separates yucky stuff (diapers, etc.) from bottles and cans. Yucky stuff is burned, and cans and bottles smashed together; food is the only thing that is allowed to be chopped up into tiny pieces and thrown over. We meet the luggage man who has been at sea for 48 years and says one family (it think the one with the body guard) brings 200 pieces of luggage; he explains they leave for Europe in June and come back in August. We bring 10 pieces.  

Then we get to the engine control room and Frederick and Thomas start to hyperventilate while they clap. This guy seemed stressed. He also did not let us get very near him. They are having to slow down due to gas prices, and will try out an 8 night crossing next year (when I first did this, it was 6).

The safety guy was the scariest. There is a fire department on board. And the worst part (or best I suppose) is they really use it. There are fires with some regularity…even a rather serious engine fire during a big storm last October. I asked if they has all been firemen on land before and he said my god no. We don’t let land firemen near us-they do nothing but pour massive amounts of water (no finesse) and this is something we cannot do on a ship. In fact, land firemen have sunk ships because of this.

The kitchen is such a mind bender; to feed 1000 people three meals a day is simply incomprehensible. We meet the head chef who is so nice and fat and friendly. Now we have been walking around for 2 hours, and this is the QM2, so we get a break with food- and champagne.

We go the theater and see them practice and the children get to play with the lights while the actors are on stage. They look particularly ridiculous because we have just received actual chef’s hats and they are wearing them as they turn the stage from dark to light while some poor guys tries to sing.

Finally we go to the bridge and get to actually go in! This is mecca to QM2 fans. An officer tells us he is on watch 12-4. And this means middle of the night, and then again mid day. He seems tired. But then up walks the captain who is just beyond. First of all, he is casual, and second of all he is a stand up comedian. I mean funny, people. Also he loves droning on with fun facts and Thomas and I have loved him from afar for days already. We are told to ask any questions we like and no one does so it is up to me to ask (obviously) about the two most important: man overboard and rogue waves.

He explains the system for man overboard . First the crew throws in a floating device with smoke that comes out when it touches water. Then the ship slows down, because when it turns back, it must be going slowly or the ship will tilt too far, and old ladies will be upset. Then out comes a life boat thingie to get you.

Rogue waves he says aren’t that rogue because they come during storms-not out of the blue. (Except tsunamis, but unless you are on the beach, who cares). I ask about the 90 foot wave that hit the Queen Elizabeth a while back and he said yes it was during a storm and yes unpleasant in terms of noise etc, but splosh it hits the deck and then it is over and no big deal really.

Thomas asks him if he was on board and he says “gosh no!! I hate bad weather!”

Really I might have to run off with him.

The boys are busy, busy from morning to night in tournaments. They do not miss one. Their nicknames are Louie the fly and Fred Astaire. When they win they get stamps in a passport looking book, and Luis is so enthusiastic about the program, that I felt compelled to remind him that he would not get an actual Swiss passport out of this.

He gets so exhausted at night: the sea air, the English, the rocking, the sports, that he cannot make it through the making of the crepes Suzette. I am not kidding; Out comes the trolley, no matter how early we start dinner, and his eyes start to droop and he actually falls asleep briefly. In front of the flames and everything. The head waiter actually asks: do we think he will make it this time? So we now have them eat a quick dinner in their room. But tonight, handsome wanted us to have soufflé and the kids heard this and so he is sending two chocolate soufflés to their cabin which they will enjoy as they watch their movie.

Do not ask me how I will get them off this ship.