Dr Ruth

I purposely came late because I was worried no one would show up and she and I would have to have a heart to heart- some horrible private lesson. Charlie wanted to come along-he loves laughing at old people like I do, but I explained that the “where do babies come from” part would not come up. This would be gross.

It was silly to worry, because it was packed. She is 4 foot 7 inches and speaks like Kissinger. I was the youngest in the theater by a long shot; I do not take any pride in this, but it seems germane.

The questions were in a box but the key had not been found yet, so Dr. Ruth offered that the first person to ask a question in front of everyone, and not anonymously, would get a free copy of her book: Sex for dummies. The details of this deal were still fuzzy to the woman who was handed the microphone. You want me to ask in front of everyone?! Yes. For a free book. (better be one hell of a book).

And she says, well my husband isn’t here, so I will just go for it. And proceeds to ask a big ol question about oral sex. Thank God I could not see her, because if it had been the paddle tennis lady, I would have lost it. There is almost nothing about these floating old people that I do not find funny. I have gotten Charlie into the spirit of it: he will come down and report how another old person has crushed him in ping pong. I tell him he has got to make them run. Their slices are good, but they are slow. Yea Aunt Ellie!! They don’t have anything else to do-they play ping pong 24/7 !!!! I am trying to harden the children against them because they beat us out for tickets, places in line, good seats. Everything. They are a sly foe, No reason to be sentimental about it.

Dr Ruth basically says one of a three things to every question: give it a try, see a therapist immediately, or I do not know. Occasionally she is very funny. To the question: My wife is always the dominant one in the bedroom, Dr Ruth, how can I regain my man hood and call the shots? She replies: You are a lucky man. Shut up and enjoy. Shutting up is apparently a very important tool in love-making. For example she recommends it when one is fantasizing about an ex girlfriend/boyfriend when one is with one’s spouse. (imagine Kissinger’s voice here) You must shut your mouth!!!! Shut it!!!

Or this one: Dr Ruth, my wife always wants the lights off during sex. I find her beautiful and want to see her. What should I do?

Compliment her every hour, and buy her a big diamond necklace with the agreement she will keep the lights on.

The Dr. is extremely practical-as with her advice to the woman who wanted to go to church but did not like driving herself. Dr. Ruth worked out a Kissinger-like deal where the wife got a ride to church, and he got some action Sunday night. I am not sure how I feel about this. But Quid pro Quo she is all for. That and quickies.-(quick is better than none at all).
She just turned 83.

Must run. The boys are playing in the ping pong tournament which they will lose. (Some kid is ranked and some old guy whips their asses every day) Charlie is going to try to beat the kid by injuring him, and I feel this warrants some interference.

This is now the next day.......

Today, we have a full plate: paddle tournament, ping pong tournament, space movie/lecture, meet the captain. Seas are rolling a lot from the side. Last night, the children went to the kids' pizza night and we got a really good table upgrade from handsome Turk..by the water with wild skies. He regaled us (turns out he is very funny) with stories of love and death on the sea. Apparently the English never miss a meal-never seasick if it means skipping free food- and very often with old people when one keels over dead, the other stays on. Really, one woman's husband was taken off (not alive mind you) via helicopter and she was dancing the next night. Such is the power of this ship.

Frederick's excitement over the ship-how many funnels, how long, how heavy, the displacement etc is matched by Charlie's excitement over animal planet. He is ecstatically watching the show narrated by some English professor. The little turtles are running for the sea, and he is urging them on. COME ON!!!!!! RUN!!!! oh I can't watch!!! This is like a HORROR movie!!!!

Both boys went down in bitter defeat yesterday in the second round of table tennis. Charlie says he won't play today. But he will. The siren call from the green table is too strong.