Soft Hearts don't Break

"Problems  created by human beings have to be solved by human beings. Basic human nature is compassionate and this is our source of hope." His Holiness the Dalai Lama


I still appear to be angry. (Thomas says I went back to MSNBC too soon). I watched a good discussion the day after Dooms Day, but they happened to mention again that I was in a bubble and implied that that, not a screwed economy, not an unpopular candidate, not Russia, not the FBI...the kale and I were the behind this loss. It's weird because my father used to call me Bubbles.

I will not make my case here, because there is none to be made. Shit happened. We are all reeling at the thought of this man with all that power; and of this family in those bedrooms, at the G8 summit, at funerals for Kings and Queens. We are reeling because we hoped that Republican or Democrat, Americans would say..Aww hell no. Not gold plated thrice married failed business clearly stupid loud mouth guy that hates the poor and the fat and the ugly and blacks and women.
But they did. Women voted for  him. Hispanics voted for him. Country club members of my family voted for him. People wore inspirational T shirts at his rallies that said: "Better to grab a pussy than be one." Hear, hear.

Thomas and I walked again from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. Since it happened I have been more or less like a raging toddler: weepy, petty, raging and incoherent. I have new, huge enemies: including, but limited to: the rich, cynical people who voted for him; his horrible chinless children; people who use the word "elite" to describe the educated and helpful; and last but not least, people who post happy instagrams !!!! it is in infuriating!! I want to see the statue of liberty weep or a black screen only. You and your family vacation can go fuck themselves.

Despite my profoundly bad attitude, my circle has been so kind and patient. From Amy R who soothingly said: yes yes darling e, of course we will secede. Yes I promise..yes of course. And Thomas, sweetest Thomas....handing me water; listening to my plans for revenge, not trying to cheer me up, just walking me for hours and hours around this beautiful city of sad, soft hearted people.  After about 3 hours I said I was hungry and regretted not bringing a snack to get me to lunch. And Thomas said: but you must be hungry; you must be in pain. Only then will you transcend, and quiet the mind. He said I needed to take about 20,000 steps before my mind would stop arguing with Joe Scarborough. At 20, 000 I was still arguing. But after 25, 000, a small miracle happened: I started to hum. Like in the the scene from my favorite movie of all time: the Grinch who stole Christmas.....when the citizens of who-ville wake to find everything has been taken from them, and the Grinch waits to see what they will do. Will they rage? Will they exact revenge? Will they weep? No: They hold hands and sing. Because the Grinch hasn't taken anything from them, really.
In fact, he needs them because he is so sad and alone.

Last night I read this from the Dalai Lama and it made me weep:
 "If we start now and make the effort, we can make the world a more peaceful place. We have to try. "

And there is the rub. I have to swallow this. I have to understand the resentments of my opposition. Understand (not accept) their point of view that real men interrupt women at debates and act like cave dwellers. I have to fucking forgive this and understand and dear God I don't know if i can. I see the path. The citizens of who-ville AND the Dalai lama are pointing there, but I am stuck here. I am stuck at secession.

But in my grief and resistance I heard a little voice. I really did. And it said:

Do not rage.
Sing.
So this is what I have been singing:

1. The song from the Grinch

2. The Woody Guthrie song from the North Face ad (SARAH PALIN SECRETARY OF INTERIOR. FUCK FUCK FUCK. breathe. keep singing. )

and Cohen's Hallelujah. (check out the SNL from last night) And when this nightmare is over we will sing Handel's version. But not yet.

Repeat as needed.

Christmas day is in our grasp

So long as we have hands to clasp

Fah who for-aze!

Dah who dor-aze!

Welcome Christmas

Bring your cheer

Fah who for-aze!

Dah who dor-aze!

Welcome all Who's

Far and near

Welcome Christmas

Bring your light

Welcome Christmas  

 While we stand

 Heart to heart

And hand in hand

Fah who for-aze

Dah who dor-aze

Welcome welcome 

Christmas

Christmas

Day

Interim Post

I will write more soon, but for now this above text from F is the closet thing I have to hope. The young might just save us. They are fired up enough to spend all their free periods on analyzing our political system.

Xx

It's Not You, It's Me.

Thomas and I held each other's hands as we slept on and off for four hours after we called the election. (We couldn't and didn't wait to see it on the screen officially).  I was alarmed enough about the state of reality to check to see if he was breathing. Because if the United States can vote to put Donald Trump into the same White House as Abraham Lincoln, then perhaps husbands can disappear simply from heart break and confusion. 
It was so sad and gentle between us; as if someone had died. When the sun came up (to Thomas' surprise), he said we would not be going into the office, but we would walk. 
So we picked up Tommy and then Albert, and then had coffee and then kept walking and then had more coffee, and then had lunch with the radiant Candy and A. I had to go back for tea with another mourning friend, and Thomas said he would walk another 8 miles....so he clocked 20 over an eight hour period. We have not looked at a newspaper or the television in 24 hours. It's incredible....our house is blessedly silent. We only hear the water fall now.

 Frederick kept checking in (unusual) to describe the darkness at PEA: how quiet and sad the classes were. In his Shakespeare class they spoke only of the election.

And then I got into the bath and happened to see a friend post something about a referendum in 2019 about California leaving the union. It was very calm and simply laid out the basic facts that we are the 6th largest economy in the world, but have very bad schools etc, because-not to put too fine a point on it, we send too much money to the federal

government who has to hand it out to red states. And here is the thing: they hate us for it. They hate us for hoping for health care for all, or fewer guns, or the government out of the bedroom or or, or. Now I can take the scorn. But I never, ever withstood scorn from within the confines of a relationship. (I am nothing if not a fearless breaker upper.)
If he's not that into you, then why stay? And my friends, Alabama is just not that into us. 
KMH and I are gathering phrases to put on the T shirts for calexit:

"We are leaving you Missouri, and we're taking the guacamole with us."

(And the ficking Chardonnay too). See photos above and below that express the California girls' feelings post breakup..) 

I am more sad than anything else, but I am also furious. I am furious at people who write I am in a "bubble"; that the problem is me and the fact I do not understand the suffering of the "white working class". Really?  Because my voting record shows I want my tax dollars to help people in a different tax bracket than my own. I may not understand them, but I am genuinely trying to. And What, exactly is so offensive about my kale eating and soft heart? About my love for clean oceans and good coffee? 

So the artists and the flamenco dancing enthusiasts and I will have to leave and console ourselves  by drinking expensive California Cabernet (you heard me!!! Drinking Snooty wine! Like the devil -and Jesus actually- unlike blessed teetotalers like trump and Hitler) and we will try to forget all the good times we've had, like the ass whipping we had to hand out over a disagreement about enslaving people!!!!! 

Ok. Maybe that was too far. I'm sorry. I don't blame you for flipping me off with your tiny fingers ...

I won't be able to see them from my plane anyway. 

good luck with your friend Trimp (typo but I'm going with it). 

Help me.

Somebody say something other than reasonable minds can disagree over this. 

Because It's just not true.